Lemonwall

A Christmas Story: The Board Game

2011-12-12T14:10:00.001-08:00

Some time last year, the family and I toured the house in Cleveland, Ohio, where they filmed the exteriors for the all-time great movie A Christmas Story. Despite the bone-chilling cold, we had lots of fun, and even braved an open-air ride in the Old-timey fire-engine used to rescue Flick from that flagpole (Side subject: Is yanking one's tongue off a frozen pole considered a rescue? Discuss.).

It was the anniversary of the release of the film, so there were cool things going on - the firetruck rides, and various actors from the film in town. We managed to meet the Leg Lamp delivery guy (actors like Randy and Scut were downtown at the A Christmas Story convention, or something like that), but he was very nice, and had a ton of stories to tell.

At the gift shop, of course, there were Leg Lamp night lights and tree ornaments, Flick hats, Bunny suits, and so on. When decided to purchase the A Christmas Story board game, we thought we were in for hours and hours of nostalgic fun. Instead, we were in for hours and hours of poring over a super-complicated rules. Oh well, at least something good came out of it...like this video. Enjoy!

AT&T totally rips off Fedex Kinkos

2011-11-19T20:29:00.001-08:00

As of 2010, AT&T was the 7th largest company in the United States by total revenue, the 4th largest non-oil company in the U.S. (behind Walmart, General Electric and Bank of America), and the 3rd largest company in Texas by total revenue (behind ExxonMobil and ConocoPhillips) and the largest non-oil company in Texas.

So I'm pretty sure AT&T spends a pretty penny on marketing. Do the folks there really have no idea that their latest advertisement is blatant rip off? Or are they thinking, "Well, if it was good enough for FedEx, it's good enough for us." Apparently, this isn't the first time AT&T has skimmed off the top of other companies' ideas.

Furthermore, if AT&T can't make an original commercial, why should you think their phones aren't just late-to-the-party attempts to imitate better technology? Not fair, AT&T? Your ad campaign is your virtual relationship with the consumer. If you can't do something as simple as that with integrity, then I'm not going to expect you to stick to the highest standards on your phone either.

Here's a "clever," "new" AT&T commercial released this month:

If only FedEx hadn't done the same thing, and funnier, in January 2007:

AT&T's next campaign? A man wandering the country using one of their phones and saying: "Are you able to hear my voice at this moment?" Change enough words from "Can you hear me now?" and it's totally original, right?

Making a Batman Cowl at Home: Courtesy of General Mills

2011-11-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

Undoubtedly, at some point in your life, you have thought, “How can I make a proper Batman cowl in the privacy of my own home?” With cowls fetching as much as $200 online, millions of Bat fans have long craved an alternative way to recreate an object that is – let’s face it – an essential part of a fulfilling human life.

For a limited time, the folks at Golden Grahams are giving consumers of breakfast cereal a golden opportunity – a Bat cowl right on the box:

Remember the days when you had to mail in
proofs of purchase to get something cool from
your cereal box? Those days are over.

Much like the push-button telephone and the iPad, this is a game-changer. In fact, it can safely be said that this is not a box of cereal with a Batman cowl on it – this is in fact a Batman cowl with a box of cereal strapped to its ass. See what I did there?

As mom always said, anything worthwhile in life is not easy. And fashioning a Bat cowl from a cereal box is no different. Below are step-by-step instructions to help you through the process:

1. Cut along the dotted lines to extract the cowl from the box. Scissors work best.
WARNING: DO NOT try a butter knife!

2. Cut out the eye holes. Use the point of the scissors to poke through the center of the dotted area, and carefully maneuver the scissors to cut around the dotted line.

3. Cut out the holes on either side of the mask. A hole puncher works best here. You can try to use the scissors, but the results will not be as clean or professional.

WARNING: Your excitement and resulting desire to wear the cowl may tempt you to skip this step. Do not do this. You will need these holes. Also note that trying to put on your cowl at this point in the process will not work and you could damage your cowl.

4. Here you will need string with a thickness of at least 2 mm and a tensile strength of 3 lbs. I recommend this online brand, or you can acquire a comparable substitute at most home improvement retailers.

Measure the string so that it goes around the circumference of your head.

NOTE: Make sure the string is against your head and ABOVE your ears.

It is better to have a string that is too long, rather than too short. You can trim the excess later if necessary.

5. Take either end of the string and slide them through the holes. While it is much easier to slide the string through the eye holes, do not do this. Your cowl will not fit properly. Use only the small holes you made the hole puncher. The weave and fiber type of the string may affect the ease of this procedure.

6. Secure the string as shown on one side. The preferred knot is a square knot, as this can be undone easily for adjustments.

For the second knot in the opposite side, pull the string until it is comfortably taut around your head as shown. Tie second knot.

7. Congratulations! You are now ready to use your Batman cowl. Slide it over your head, until your eyes are level with the eye holes from Step 2.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t put the string through the eye holes?

You can also adjust the string to make the cowl fit children.

"Really, Dad? Really?"

And that’s it! Now you can pretend to be Michael Keaton or Christian Bale (the only two real Batmans) without the exorbitant cost and humiliating eBay experience. And you get to enjoy the honey goodness of Golden Grahams to boot.

For those who were unable to follow along, I do manufacture these cowls upon request for the heavily discounted price of $9.95 ($3.50 for the box, .95 cents for the shipping, and $5.00 construction and cereal-consuming fee). Just send me an e-mail to inquire.

Next Week: Don't want to spend through the nose on Joker make-up? Learn how to create the same effect with Miracle Whip, tomato ketchup, and shoe polish.

Pisa Envy

2011-11-16T12:10:00.000-08:00